Blue Christmas

I lost my original post because my father wasn't paying attention to his VPN. The gist of it was that my sister is a self-centered windbag and I blame myself because of how I treated her when we were children. Also, I feel guilty because I don't appreciate my family like I should. Maudlin enough? Good.

I think I'd be in a much better mood if I hadn't gotten in a car accident about a fourth of a mile north of the Randolph St. exit on my way down here (no, my parents don't know and no, you are not going to tell them) and I have to drive back tomorrow with all the drunks. The accident wasn't a big deal even if it was my fault: I was trying to switch lanes and the car in front of me slowed down before I could register it, and so I rear-ended him, cracking his bumper and making sure USAA has a profitable year. So yes, I'm all stressed out and not looking forward to driving on the Dan Ryan (or any other interstate) again. Did I mention the drunks?

And then I have to work for six hours on desk at my job, which is a really long time. I just hope it's not busy so I don't completely burn out. Who knows? Maybe people will be too consumed with finding a bargain to come to the library. Or maybe the college students home for the holidays will stop procrastinating and clamor for research materials that their wiser compatriots checked out a week before. I have no idea, save that there will be a stiff drink awaiting my departure from work. Oh, yes, I will get just slightly pie-eyed.

So no, no peace on earth or good will to men on this blog tonight. I just want to get home safely and do my job the next day.

Someone Please Tell Dorothy Parker She Isn't Funny

Oh, wait. Christopher Hitchens, that suave frat boy, already did in the January issue of Vanity Fair. This is a grievous enough offense, but Mr. Hitchens goes on to commit several more in his factoid-laden screed about how women aren't funny. And the ironic thing? Good ol' Chris isn't funny either. Whether it's condescendingly referring to certain female comedians that he approves of as "ladies" or explaining that women aren't funny because they "already appeal to men, if you know what I mean," he bombs.

Hitchens holds that most humor is gendered male because it is at someone's expense. Um, last time I checked, all humor is at someone's expense, whether they happen to be in the room or not. Even puns take advantage of the listener, that's why they're called groaners. And yet, there are funny women, as even Mr. Hitchens admits.

The conclusive piece stylistic idiocy, which would have made me dismiss the article out of hand (outside of insulting Ms. Parker), was the quotation of Rudyard Kipling. Only a moron quotes the Poet Laurate of Imperialism's poetry for any other purpose other than to say, "See this? Don't do this." Using this tripe to make any meaningful statement about women or anyone not European and male went out with the girdle.

Why are women such humorless bores? According to Hitchens, it's because we're too focused on producing the next generation. Yup, just when I thought I was something other than a life support system around a uterus, Mr. Hitchens comes around to slap me back in my place. Oh, yes, according to Hitchens, kids are no laughing matter. Someone please inform the estate of Erma Bombeck that her books didn't sell to women looking for the humor of rearing children in the suburbs, but to men looking for jokes about dirty diapers.

In the midst of all these cretinous assertions, Hitchens does hit on a fragment of truth: men don't want women to be funny. Of course not. There are still plenty of men that don't want women to be heard at all. Humor, the good stuff, has truth in it, and if we started telling the truth about women's lives, particularly in conservative cultures, the men in charge would not be amused in the slightest. Speaking of who's in charge, Hitchens claims it's the women. Sure, and female genital mutilation and rape are just figments of the collective imagination.

Perhaps this post just reveals me to be the kind of sour little miss that Mr. Hitchens derides, but his theories have holes burkas couldn't hide. He's not particularly smart, or attractive, and I definitely don't find him funny.